Friday, September 4, 2015

For the soul

For a time now I have felt a void. Have you ever felt that? You feel like you have done everything you've needed, wanted. But you look around yourself feeling as though something has been forgotten? It's like looking for that one page in he book where you left off. You would know it if you saw it but yet you can't put your finger on it.
Overwhelming self doubt and frustration of not being able to pin point some of my future is wrecking me. The stress gets to me and it's taking its toll. My hair is gone from a portion of my scalp. It's embarrassing, yet times I fell like I could totally rock a bald head.
My strong urge to create and design get really hard on me. I have always said I didn't want to be a product, I want to be a brand. With that desire to create various things I doubt myself with others possible views they may have of me. "What is she making now?" "She is just trying to make money". "Can't she stick to one thing?" I have heard many things through various comments on social media. I tend to let them run off my shoulders pretty well. Let me answer some of these questions though. So you know why I do what I do.
I have a wide range of designs. I can't just stick to one thing. I would get sick of it. I want to be able to provide multiple items to suit your needs and not leave anyone out. My brain is triggered when I see a pattern or print or color and 9/10 times that is how I base my designs. Simply by seeing a fabric piece. When I see a fabric that speaks to me, I see the whole story. Colors, background, shoes, accessories and even the color of the. Models hair and her pose. That is how I know I need to make a certain item. That is why I have various products and why I have many sales. To get through product, to make room for the many other fabrics and visions. I see, therefore I create. I am not in this only for the money. I do feel a need to help pay for things in my home. With "my money" I cover groceries, preschool, spending money. That makes me feel good and then we can save more to have a cushion for things. As much as I love getting paid for what i love, the money I receive often times goes to helping people. Whether it is Mothers Without Borders or local needs, I feel great satisfaction when I am using my talents to serve people. I have always had that desire to help and have always had a strong power of discernment to see into the hearts of those who are in need. I want to give, but not take away from what my own family needs.
I love what I do. Yes it is overwhelming but I feel like I can't leave anything out. And lately I have felt that void of satisfaction cause my brain is all over the place from one sketch to the next. It would be easier to pin point a couple things in the shop to offer, my office would appreciate it more without having bins and bins of fabric or patterns laying around. Part of me says " be a DIY blogger, make and create as much as you want without the stress of paying up front for fabric for inventory you hope sells..." Then the other part of me says " well not everyone is a sewer, so you must offer these products to the people". It is hard to nail it. I put myself out there and purchase enough product to make a handful of items. Then I have to sit and wait. Ha ha. The risk of a designer I guess. Then I have to remind myself, who are you doing this for? Them or me? That is where I feel a void. I want to give back so much...i feel like it's not enough. Or there is more I can do. I'm sure my thoughts are all over the place but that's how I sort things out. Especially when I feel I need help. What products do you enjoy most of mine? Should I narrow things down? Should I just focus on the Be the Change line? What do you want to see me make and sell? If I could get some feedback that would be awesome. This mama is feelin a little lost right now.

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